i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
