I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Randomize
