Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I would fuck him just for his dog
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize