Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
