If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
