either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
