Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize