Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
