omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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