i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
