dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
