what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
