the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
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