where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
