i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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