My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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