You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
