moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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