I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
