I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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