she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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