remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
3 2 1 whiskey
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
