I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
