Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
