i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
