but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
We talked him into tasing himself.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
