Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
sick fucks of a feather flock together
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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