the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize