we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
