When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
