He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
