Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize