Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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