At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
