nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
