It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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