he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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