It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
