I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
