you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Pants are for mortals
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
