why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
