He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
