i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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