I seem to have left my pride at pride
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
