just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
