BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Randomize
