if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
