I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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