yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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