My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
