new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
