My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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