return my video game
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
