I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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