Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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