i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
