I have demons in me.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
