where's my purse there's an important taco in it
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
